|My view right before|
heading to the courthouse.
There just isn't a kinder and gentler way to say it because divorce just isn't kind or gentle.
I had to go to court today--a little trip to downtown Madison which probably cost me the equivalent of a round trip ticket to and a couple nights stay in London.
Divorce makes sane people petty and vindictive. It makes insane people homicidal. Generally speaking, I think I am closer to the first category, and I just hate the meanness I feel seeping out of my pores as I steel myself to sit at a table with my ex and two highly paid lawyers.
When things sort of went my way today, I felt like doing a fist pump right there in front of the court commissioner. "In your face!" I wanted to yell to my ex. I know too well that if this ends up going before a judge in a couple of weeks, I may be crying copious tears of sorrow and crumpling into a fetal ball in front of the clerk of courts' office. Any proceedings that deal with the dissolution of a marriage and the subsequent support of children are like buying Powerball tickets. For ever moment of fairness there is one of gross injustice. Sometimes the guy who just lost his job and home picks the winning numbers and sometimes the millionaire takes home greenbacks to use as bookmarks and coasters.
Divorce is an ongoing bitch. It isn't a single moment in time when you end a relationship with someone you thought you would spend your life with. It goes on throughout your life. Even when you don't have to negotiate vacations with the kids and divide up insurance co-pays, you still carry those questions. What went wrong? Do I carry more than half the blame? Why was I so unlovable? Will I ever dare to try again? Will my life ever be the same?
I know that I will never be the same. While I hate those feelings of meanness, I do relish the sense of accomplishment that I have made it through the worst. I didn't stay in a situation that was never going to improve. I am not a gutless wonder. And no, that is not my ex's head under my foot. That is divorce baggage.
So, I am not planning a celebratory dinner this evening. I will wait patiently to see if this ruling sticks. If it does, I will be happy. If it doesn't, I will try to be happy that it didn't turn out worse.
Stay strong, those of you who are walking or will walk this path. This Prairie Grl is there for you.